You’ve probably tried learning French, Spanish, or German, but those are nothing compared to Woman (the language). Most scholars agree that the only thing more impossible than understanding the language of women is dividing by 0. You have no hope. Don’t even try. Whatever. See? You probably thought that all of that means you should just give up and not try anymore right? Wrong! Any woman will tell you that in the language of women, it means the complete opposite. Here are 25 things women say that men misunderstand.
It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.
Do I look fat in this?
A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.
Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.
It means “no”.
In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.
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It would be nice if...
Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.
This means the argument is over and you lost.
It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.
Are you listening?
You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.
It's up to you
If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #17).
You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.
This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”
This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #16 (Are you listening?).
It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.
Thanks a lot
It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #12 (Whatever).
Don't worry about it
This means she has told you to do something (possibly more than once) and she is now going to do it herself. Any further inquiries on your part will most likely result in #14 (*loud sigh*).
We can go anywhere you want
In most cases this means “You had better choose my favorite restaurant”.
We need to talk
What are you doing?
This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”
Do you have to do this now?
Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.
You have to learn to communicate
“Communicate” can also be translated as “agree with me”.
I'm not upset
I don't want to talk about it
She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.