The Bible is considered one of the most widely read books in the world and for many Jews and Christians is considered an absolute authority in guiding their morality and beliefs. However, many Christians nowadays commit sin after sin on a daily basis without even realizing it. See, the Bible forbids many of the things people love to do and in all honesty there’s nothing wrong with most of these things, at least by modern standards and the current status quo.
Since this topic is a little too sensitive though, we won’t say much more but will instead list chapters and lines from the books of the Bible that forbid some of the most normal and awesome things one could ever imagine, but nevertheless, you be the judge.
Leviticus 19:31 reads:
“Regard not them that have familiar spirits, neither seek after wizards, to be defiled by them: I am the LORD your God.”
Translation: Truth be told, the idiots who spend a fortune getting “advice” from such con artists deserve whatever they get.
Women wearing sexy clothes
1 Timothy 2:9 reads:
“I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.”
Translation: This one should make every insecure, jealous husband and boyfriend happy.
1 Corinthians 6:18 reads:
“Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
Translation: Jim Levenstein from American Pie doesn’t seem to be so stupid all of a sudden, huh? Dude knew how to do his thing and at the same time avoid sin, too.
Matthew 5:28 reads:
“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Translation: Whoops! Does it count if you just watch porn for educational purposes?
1 Timothy 2:9 reads:
“Likewise, I want women to adorn themselves with proper clothing, modestly and discreetly, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly garments.”
Translation: We still can’t be sure about who killed 2Pac and Notorious BIG, but we know for sure that these two legendary rappers (just like most rappers who respect themselves) wore enough gold chains during their short lives that unfortunately might have cost them eternally.
Eating bacon (or pork in general)
Leviticus 11:4 reads:
“Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.”
Translation: Just bacon? So we’re good if we stick to pork chops?
Tearing your clothes
Leviticus 10:6 reads:
“And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest ye die, and lest wrath come upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Israel, bewail the burning which the LORD hath kindled.”
Translation: Billy Idol, Steven Tyler, Tommy Lee, Ozzy Osborne, Slash, and so many other rock stars (and their fans) shouldn’t worry about all the sex and drugs they’ve had and done because their jeans and horrible T-shirts have done enough damage already.
Eating “weird” little animals
Leviticus 11:28–29 reads:
“These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind, and the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.”
Translation: I don’t know about you guys but I am part French. That means I’ve eaten enough snails to book a ticket straight to hell.
Leviticus 19:28 reads:
“Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.”
Translation: The little dolphin you tattooed on your butt cheek at age seventeen during spring break while you were drunk off your ass has ultimately condemned you eternally.
Getting remarried after getting divorced
Mark 10:11–12 reads:
“Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.”
Translation: I truly feel sorry for Elizabeth Taylor right now.
Leviticus 19:16 reads:
“Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people: neither shalt thou stand against the blood of thy neighbor; I am the LORD.”
Translation: Say what you wanna say about your fat friend or bald-headed boss right to their face.
Pigging out every now and then
Proverbs 23:2 reads:
“. . . And put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.”
Translation: That’s why I try to pig out every day.
Women Speaking in Church
1 Corinthians 14:34 reads:
“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.”
Translation: A rare moment when even in the twenty-first century a man can tell a woman to shut the hell up and not be accused of being misogynistic and sexist.
Being gay and stuff
Leviticus 18:22 reads:
“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.”
Translation: You can be the most kind-hearted, the most generous, the most helpful, the best Christian who won’t commit any of the other sins included in the Bible but your sexual preference makes you an illegal alien . . . from heaven, that is.
Playing American football
Leviticus 11:7–8 reads:
“And the pig, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you. You shall not eat any of their flesh, and you shall not touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”
Translation: Stick to soccer or baseball.
There’s no point in listing one of the countless chapters and verses in the Bible that states premarital sex is a sin. That’s a fundamental Christian belief so there you go.
Wearing polyester, or any other fabric blends
Leviticus 19:19 reads:
“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”
Translation: Cristiano Ronaldo is right when he demands his football jerseys be 100 percent cotton. Maybe he knows something we don’t? One way or another, millions of soccer players around the world are in serious trouble.
Hmmm, pulling out
Genesis 38:9 reads:
“And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”
Translation: I don’t know how to explain this exactly . . . Just use a condom!
Eating assorted seafood
Leviticus 10–11 reads:
“And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.”
Translation: The absolute revenge of the red lobster.
Working on Saturday
Exodus 31:14–15 reads:
“Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death: for whosoever doeth any work therein, that soul shall be cut off from among his people. Six days may work be done; but in the seventh is the sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD: whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.”
Translation: Let’s just count and see if there’s a single human being on earth who won’t go to hell over this. You lucky lazy bastards. You never worked any day of the week anyway.
Wives helping out their husbands in a fight
Deuteronomy 25:11–12 reads:
“When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets.”
Translation: Just sit back and enjoy. If your man wins, then more power to you for marrying Chuck Norris. If he loses, just deal with the fact that you married a wimp.
Leviticus 19:27 reads:
“You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads . . .”
Translation: The Beatles and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber are already burning in hell.
Or trimming your beard
Leviticus 19:27 reads:
“neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”
Translation: Just make sure you keep a clean-cut style. No goatee, beards, or mustaches allowed . . . ever.
Divorcing with your lying, cheating partner
1 Corinthians 7:10–11 reads:
“To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
Translation: Don’t pay attention to your spouse if he’s cheating on you, beats the crap out of you, doesn’t work, makes you feel less like a human, and so on; especially if you’re a woman. Just suck it up and honor your marriage. Ahhh! Sometimes I can truly understand how feminists got so mad at men and society.
Leviticus 3:17 reads:
“It shall be a perpetual statute for your generations throughout all your dwellings, that ye eat neither fat nor blood.”
Translation: The day I learned this I decided I wanted to be a Buddhist. I mean cheeseburgers are full of fat, right?