We here in Florida have all manner of crazy people. It could be said that even the most sane Florida natives have some small bit of insanity in them. Florida is a very strange place after all, surely any man, woman, or anyone in between would go mildly crazy if everywhere you looked there were alligators, snakes, and hurricanes (oh my). After all, there are many people who move here from out of state and can’t take it, they leave in only a matter of years before going somewhere more reasonable, more quiet, somewhere like Ohio maybe.
There are some that stay in Florida too long, or the humidity just gets to them, or they become far too enveloped into a life of debauchery and self-indulgence. Those are the people that have made Florida infamous for being a den of pure insanity and those are the stories we’re going to look at today. The crazy stories of the ever-elusive cryptid that is the Florida Man.
So pull up a chair, get your pub-sub, gather around your favorite manatee and dolphin friends, and take a look at 25 Outrageous Florida Man Antics That Seem Too Crazy to be True.
Florida Man Calls 9-1-1 to Make Sure His Meth Was Real
Not many drug users willingly call the police when they have possession of recently illegally purchased narcotics but Florida Man Thomas Eugene clearly didn’t know this. He called 9-1-1 and asked them if they could just pop over to his place and test his meth to see if it was real.
Thomas told them he was an “experienced drug user” and that the meth he bought didn’t “feel” like meth and that he was convinced that it was actually bath salts. Well the cops came over right away and arrested Thomas, obviously.
Thomas said he didn’t want anyone buying drugs that they didn’t want, which I guess is noble? Despite Thomas’s “experience” the drugs he had purchased tested positive for methamphetamines.
Florida Man Slaps Woman in Face With Slice of Pizza
Ortelio Lazaro Alfonso came up with an interesting way of de-escalating an argument when he slapped his partner in the face with a slice of pizza. Authorities were called and upon arriving they arrested Alfonso for domestic abuse and found that not only had he slapped her with pizza but also threw it at her.
The walls and ceiling of the house were covered in pizza sauce. She did emphasize the fact that he never laid his hands on her. Just threw pizza.
Florida Man Attempts to Rob Publix With A Stapler
31-year old Patrick Abbot walked into a Publix and handed a cashier a note that said “I have a gun” and he told her to put money into a bag for him. The cashier pretended to help a co-worker and called the police; when they arrived they discovered that the gun that the man claimed to have was actually a stapler. Despite only wielding an office supply product, he was charged with armed robbery.
Let’s be honest – he can’t be that smart, he should’ve been robbing Staples instead.
Live Alligator Found in Florida Man’s Truck….With Drugs
Just the title alone is the true embodiment of Florida Man. Yes, this man, Michael Marolla, was arrested after police identified him based on “previous law enforcement encounters as having a suspended license.” They then searched his truck and found two guns, an open container containing a live baby alligator, and narcotics equipment.
They also found used syringes inside the man’s jacket, later testing showed that they had traces of methamphetamines on it. Because it’s always meth in Florida, isn’t it?
Florida Man Attempts To Warn Space Force of Aliens War on Dragons
Florida Man Corey Johnson was arrested after he stole a truck and was attempting to break into Patrick Space Force Base. He was taken to Brevard County jail where he stated that he needed to get into the Space Force base to warn government officials of an ongoing war where aliens were fighting Chinese dragons.
Perhaps he was planning on pleading insanity. That would certainly be a creative way to do it.
On second thought, he’s from Florida, so it’s probably just real insanity.
Florida Man Berates Children at the Beach
Florida Man Stephen Joye was drunk at a beach in Naples, FL and was lying in the sand drunk, yelling at children that were passing by and throwing bottles at them. He also berated a 4-year old boy for “stealing his beach toys”.
What beach toys could this drunk man have? Who knows, likely more alcohol, but we doubt the 4-year old boy stole anything. When police arrived Joye staggered toward them and tried to punch an officer.
They threw him to the sand and handcuffed him, then put him in the back of a squad car where he proceeded to bang his head on the partition of the car. He was charged with disorderly intoxication, public disturbance, and resisting arrest.
Florida Man Holds Starbucks Employee at Gunpoint
It is completely normal to get upset when someone gets your Starbucks order wrong. We’ve all been there. What isn’t normal is pulling a gun on the food service employee that may or may not have got it wrong, but that is precisely what a Florida Man did when he ordered a bagel from starbucks and received no cream cheese.
He came through the drive thru and complained, the employee asked if the man had ordered any cream cheese. He retaliated by pulling out his gun and holding it in the air. After he was arrested, he claimed that he only pulled his gun out because it was falling out of his pocket and never meant to threaten anyone, despite the fact that he was screaming at a woman and waving around a gun.
Stay safe out there, reasonable Floridians….
Yes, we do exist.
Florida Man Tries to Convince Parents to Sell Daughter
Hellmuth Kolb is an 85 year old man who was arrested outside of a grocery store after approaching the parents of a young girl and offering $100,000 for their child. The parents refused and the 85 year old man argued with the parents trying to convince them to agree to the deal.
It was later revealed that Kolb was a registered sex offender and on top of that he had done this before. Back in 2018 he offered a family $200,000 for their 8 year old daughter.
Kolb is still behind bars. Thankfully.
Florida Man Slaps Police Horse
27-year old Florida Man Alisha Lalani was charged with a first degree misdemeanor when he snuck up behind a police horse and slapped its rear. When the police began to arrest him, he simply claimed he didn’t know he couldn’t hit the horse.
He was charged with battery on a police horse and they later reported that the man was likely under the influence of alcohol and drugs. Because of course he was, it’s Florida.
Florida Man Drinks Bleach In Courtroom
Jermaine Bell had an interesting reaction to being found guilty for armed robbery. Upon hearing the guilty verdict, Jermaine began drinking a cup of bleach that he had with him. An officer approached him to get him to stop drinking it but he immediately fell down sick. He was quickly taken out of the courtroom and to the hospital on a stretcher.
Jermaine had been in custody for three years before his trial so maybe he was trying to get out of going back to prison. Well, he did survive the whole ordeal and he did go back to prison. The biggest question on everyone’s mind was how was he able to sneak bleach into the courtroom in the first place? We wonder the same thing.
Florida Man Flees Robbery With Taxi
Florida Man Elijah Shelton decided to rob a bank and had the bright idea of calling a taxi to come pick him up at his house and drop him off at the bank. He instructed the taxi driver to wait for him outside. He soon returned with a bag full of money and told the driver to take him back home.
Unsurprisingly, he was apprehended pretty quickly, and while they couldn’t find the money that he stole, Shelton was still charged with robbery, grand theft, and drug possession. His mugshot sports a massive ear to ear grin. I guess he thinks he’s smart.
Maybe he should’ve used those smarts to get a car instead of rob a bank.
Florida Man Arrested For Impersonating Police Officer
Apparently it’s a common occurrence in Florida for people to impersonate law enforcement and pull people over, issuing them tickets. Omar Forde is one such individual but what sets him apart is that he made the unfortunate mistake of attempting to pull over an actual off-duty cop.
The off-duty cop pulled the man over, called his superiors, and Omar was promptly arrested. He was wearing a bullet proof vest that said “Criminal Task Force” and was armed with a taser and a gun. Oh, he was also driving with a suspended license.
Maybe he should’ve pulled himself over.
Florida Man Gets Eaten By Alligators While Looking For Frisbees
A man was found dead by a lake that he was swimming in to look for frisbees. The park that he was at promotes itself as a place that allows people to learn the game of disc golf in a beautiful natural environment. However, locals have been seen going into a lake at the park because frisbees often get thrown into it.
The man in question was searching for frisbees in the lake to resell them for a profit. He did this despite the many many signs saying that the lake had alligators in it. This has been an ongoing problem for the park.
Florida Man Steals 66 Rolls of Toilet Paper From Hotel
We all remember the chaos that ensued in the toilet paper aisle at Publix (and other grocery stores) during the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown. Sure, people were hoarding water, food, and many other things, but toilet paper? Now that was the real gold.
But the chaos wasn’t just contained to your local grocery store, apparently. Florida Man Angel Hernandezcinto was arrested after he was seen smuggling a trash can full of toilet paper rolls into a van. The hotel called the police and eventually Angel admitted to the theft of 66 rolls of toilet paper. Apparently he worked as a cleaner at the hotel and was allegedly stealing them for an unemployed friend.
Florida Man Breaks Into Man’s House To Suck On Toes On Christmas Eve
Most people are tucked in snugly waiting for Santa to come to them on Christmas Eve, but this man was instead surprised by an intruder who broke into his house and began sucking on the man’s toes. When asked what he was doing, the intruder said he “was there to suck on toes.”
A fight broke out and the intruder escaped. He then proceeded to commit more crimes by breaking the man’s windows and the windshield of his car. Despite having dogs looking for him, they were unable to apprehend the intruder.
This was back in 2020, so perhaps the toe-sucker still remains at large.
Florida Man Resists Arrest on Lawn Mower
The Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office was serving arrest warrants to 40 year old Florida Man Dusty Mobley and well, things didn’t go well.
Dusty was on his riding lawn mower when they attempted to arrest him and he instead began driving away.
The cops chased him down and eventually subdued him with a taser. They found a revolver, a handcuff key, and a pipe with methamphetamine residue because of course he had meth.
Dusty was charged with grand theft, grand theft of a vehicle, felony criminal mischief, two counts of resisting an officer, possession of a concealed weapon by a convicted felon, carrying a concealed handcuff key, possession of drug paraphernalia, felony failure, and grevious misuse of lawn equipment. Okay, that last one is made up, but he definitely did not use that lawn mower for its intended purpose.
Florida Man Attempts Break-In To Escape Ghost
I guess when you think a ghost is chasing you all across the beach you’re bound to do some questionable things. Andrew George and his companion were at a hotel in Daytona Beach when they thought they saw a “shadow” in the room with them. They got up to leave and they said the shadow was following them. They began running all over Daytona Beach screaming for help and trying to escape the shadow.
They eventually came across a house and were screaming for help and trying to break into the house. When the police arrived, Andrew was injured and covered in blood. He didn’t know how he got the injury.
He later blamed his “bad choices” on ecstasy. Maybe it was just their own shadows chasing them.
Florida Man Throws Lunch Meat at Police Officer
After trespassing at a local business, this Florida Man was agitated when the police arrived. He began berating the officer and threatened to steal his gun and walkie-talkie.
He claimed that he had a black belt in karate and judo and refused to comply with the officer, shouting obscenities at him. In what must have been a last resort attempt to threaten the officer, he threw lunch meat at the officer and was promptly arrested for assault on an officer.
Florida Man Runs Onto Highway Naked
The unidentified Florida nudist dashed onto I-75 dodging traffic and jumped onto the bed of a semi-truck. The many bystanders captured videos and pictures and then called 9-1-1.
Police arrived on the scene and were able to take the man to a nearby hospital for a medical and psychological evaluation. The spokesperson for the Sheriff’s office said that “While we don’t know what may have precipitated this man’s actions, it’s apparent that he was exhibiting abnormal behavior.” No kidding, it’s not every day that a naked man runs into standstill traffic in the pouring rain.
Florida Man Throws Christmas Tree at Wife
I don’t think this guy was feeling the Christmas spirit on this day. After his wife asked him to help her make dinner, they argued and in a fit of rage the man picked up their Christmas tree and threw it at his wife.
He then told his wife to leave and shoved her. He later claimed that he had “lost his temper” and “had been drinking.”
Look, we can all get angry and/or drunk sometimes, but it’s no excuse to be a huge grinch and abuse people.
Florida Man Shoots Himself
What’s the first thing you do after a new purchase? You wanna show it off, impress your friends. Well that’s exactly what a Florida Man did after he purchased a gun. He took his new firearm to a bar and was showing it off to some unfortunate patron. While showing off the gun he pretended to put his gun in an imaginary holster and as he did so the gun went off and the bullet went into his torso.
He really showed off how cool he was there.
Patrons flagged down some police officers but by the time they got there, the man had left and gone to the hospital.
Florida Man Steals Candles From Bath And Body Works, Sprays Everyone with Bear Mace
The headline alone is absolutely baffling, but yes, it is real. A man in Miami stole many candles from a Bath and Body Works store. He managed to escape the store and the entire mall that the store was in by spraying nearly everyone in his way with bear mace.
He sprayed nearly 30 people before he left the mall, one of which had to be hospitalized from a direct hit to the eyes with the mace.
Florida Man Steals Kansas Highway Patrol Car
A Florida Man was in the back of a police car in Kansas with his hands cuffed behind his back. When the cop reported to a motorcycle accident, the Florida Man managed to get into the front seat and drove away with the patrol car.
What followed was a lengthy car chase which only ended when the patrol car ran out of gas. The man got out of the car and began to run away. When they eventually got ahold of him, his hands were still cuffed behind his back. How he managed to go on an extended car chase with his hands behind his back is still a mystery to all.
Florida Man In Garbage Bag Sets Fire To Garbage Trucks
In a horrible case of trash-on-trash violence, a man wearing multiple garbage bags as a suit managed to set fire to several garbage trucks. He then proceeded to break into the main waste management office and set that on fire as well.
This man caused millions of dollars worth of damage and destroyed at least 10 different garbage trucks, all costing at least $300,000 each.
Florida Man Pulls 3-Foot Sword on Officers
Officers were investigating a car on the side of the road that was blocking a bike lane. They discovered a man who was fully reclined in his car and began to question him. They soon realized that the man gave them a fake name and asked him to step out of the car. He instead reached back and pulled out a 3-foot-long sword with a dragon handle. They attempted to tase the man but were unable to because he began poking the sword out of his window.
When they finally got him into custody they discovered marijuana and – you guessed it – methamphetamines.