On the e-commerce giant that is Amazon, you can order anything from electronic goods to office furniture, 365 days a year, and often have it delivered the very same day to your doorstep at just the click of a button.
But has all this convenience meant that it is far too easy to impulse buy something that is both bizarre and totally useless?
However, before we start this list, we want to mention that 16th-century Latin saying might well apply here: “One man’s meat is another man’s poison.” Late one night, a decade ago, I bought a fully functional Yugoslavian gas mask. Why? Because I just wanted one.
(Okay, I admit, it was an impulse buy.)
One would think it’s surely a very bizarre and useless item to own. But now, with the recent Coronavirus outbreak and the ever-growing “threat” of a zombie apocalypse, the item might well turn out to be a very shrewd and practical purchase.
So here is our list of the Top 25 Most Bizarre and Useless Products You Can Buy on Amazon.
Please note: At the time of this article, all these Amazon products were available and the rankings quoted were correct. Gag gifts have not been included on this list as they serve a clear purpose, which is (supposedly!) to be funny.
1. Today’s Products, Tomorrow's Bizarre and Useless?
Pencils, erasers, calculators, non-rechargeable batteries and DVDs; all these things technology is in the process of passing by. Soon, they will be just a fond and distant memory, much like rolls of film and typewriters are today.
Many of today’s products are destined to be seen by the next generation as bizarre and useless oddities of a bygone age.
(Makes you feel old and kind of sad, doesn’t it?)
2. A Mystery Product!
This product is definitely a very bizarre one, as I have no idea what it is or what it does. It can be best described as a cyborg’s finger.
There are no manufacturer’s product descriptions or reviews. Calling it a “Best Shopper-Smart Nail Set Wearable” does not help either. Here is truly a bizarre and useless product!
Rating in the top sellers’ list is unknown.
3. The Umbrella Reinvented ... Again!
Maybe it is because the modern-day umbrella has been around since the 17th century, relatively unchanged, or the fact that millions of them are sold each week across the world. There is always someone trying to reinvent it and make their fortune.
Thus, we now have the spectacular hands-free umbrella mounted on a plastic plate strapped to your back. Bizarrely, it claims you will never lose it like a conventional umbrella by inadvertently leaving it somewhere by mistake.
So, are you meant to wear this all the time, like when visiting friends or going shopping? And does this mean that, in the theater, you have to feel sorry for the person sitting behind you and your back-mounted umbrella?
Rating in the top sellers’ list is unknown.
4. Worth More Than It Should Be?
On Amazon there are advertised current British £5 notes starting with the serial number AK47, being sold for far more than their face value. The supposed reason for this is AK47 is the abbreviation for the iconic Russian-made automatic rifles favored by terrorists, gangsters, enemy soldiers, and Hollywood blockbuster movies.
The sellers on Amazon would like to have you think that this is a rare prefix, when in fact there were 999,999 of these “AK47” notes issued.
Rated as the 552nd bestseller in Amazon’s Banknote Collecting section.
5. Chew Yourself to a Better You!
You exercise your body, so why not your mouth? Well, this small silicone ball claims to do just that, by exercising your mouth, head, and neck muscles. The manufacturers say it is very much like chewing a large piece of chewing gum; it will apparently tone, firm, and strengthen those areas, resulting in making you look more youthful.
They also go as far as to claim it is more effective than Botox or face fillers! This product is not backed up by any clinical studies or medical evidence. In fact, it has a disclaimer about having “No medical claims in the cure of any illness, the safety of use, and or damage to gums and or teeth.” It also states that if you get injured while using it, it’s not their fault.
In the review section, there are over 200 poor ratings, some saying their teeth were damaged or destroyed by this device.
Rated as the 145th bestseller in Amazon’s Facial Treatments & Masks section.
Amazon (South Africa)
6. To Get Stones During Pregnancy
Maybe one should always be suspicious if a product makes medical claims and has no reviews, along with a disclaimer that it is not being promoted as a medical treatment or medication!
Such is the case of the four gemstone crystal set, specially designed to aid in a woman’s pregnancy and birthing. The seller claims these crystals will encourage a healthy pregnancy, ease the pain of childbirth, and assist in breastfeeding. Does this sound like they are implying the product is a medical wonder?
Oddly, the seller goes on about this brought about due to the “unique combination” of four very specific gemstone crystals, yet they say, “Please Note: Due to crystal availability, substitutions may occasionally occur.”
Rated as the 14,711th bestseller in Amazon’s Collectible section.
7. The Umbrella Reinvented
If you want to work, play, or simply stroll along hands-free in the rain, but still be dry, this is the product for you. It is a bizarre combination of a hat and a neck umbrella.
You really need to see it to appreciate how absurd it is. Also, oddly, it is only recommended for people no taller than 5’5″. As for what customers think of this stylish head-covering wonder, it got very mixed reviews.
Rating in the top sellers’ list is unknown.
8. Faith in a Bottle
Holy Water is said to cure the lame and bring about miracles. Nowadays, for your convenience, you can go on Amazon and buy it a liter at a time. Having been pre-blessed by a priest and for your peace of mind, it comes with a certificate confirming its source is both pure and divine.
Interestingly enough, it is about as popular an item as the previous product on our list (temporary self-adhesive pockets!).
Rated as the 253,292nd bestseller in Amazon’s Health & Household section.
9. Temporary Self-Adhesive Pockets
Have you ever worn something that either does not have enough pockets or worse still, none at all? Well, the solution is here: self-adhesive temporary pockets!
They do have a few drawbacks, as follows: they come in just one color (light beige), are not machine washable, not reusable, not that cheap, very small (will hold just a credit card), and will not stick to certain material (like wool). Lastly, a lot of reviews say it has a nasty habit of falling off (never a good thing for a pocket to do).
And here’s something to reflect on, American Amazon buyers would rather buy one of a 1/4 million other products in the Health & Household section before purchasing this one.
Rated as the 223,960th bestseller in Amazon’s Health & Household section.
10. For the Psychopathic Gardener!
Heavy-duty gardening gloves with claw attachment for raking and digging? Now, I have some issues with this product. Apart from your neighbors thinking you are dressing up for Halloween, the claw attachments are not even made with metal, but plastic.
Also, it says they are fun to use. Obviously, they do not know what real fun is!! And their claim that the claw garden glove is the way of the future, and that it will replace every potting tool you own, is more than a little far fetched.
Rated as the 169th bestseller in Amazon’s Garden Glove section.
11. Metal Cigarette Case with built-in Windproof Electric Lighter
Definitely a bizarre invention, this is a cigarette case with a built-in lighter. The case holds ten cigarettes and will, at the touch of a button, light one of these and dispense it to you. It is also fully rechargeable.
At face value, it seems like a good idea. However, judging by the reviews, the cigarette case is a letdown. The quality is poor and the dispenser jams regularly. Maybe they will perfect this product one day before cigarettes finally become a thing of the past.
Rated as the 4,914th bestseller in Amazon’s Sports & Outdoors section.
12. Dowsing Rods - Seek & You Will Find
Wooden dowsing rods have a long history of being used to locate sources of underground water or metal ore deposits. Apparently, this has something to do with enhancing the user’s psychic ability. Many are skeptical and think that any discovery made while using these rods is by pure luck.
These items, made of copper, are a fancier version called Divining Rods. They are basically two L-shaped copper bars, which are advertised to assist in locating water, treasure, energy, food, ghosts, and information, as well as assist in Fengshui. Let’s face it, this is all a bit of a stretch.
Rated as the 67,913th best seller in Amazon’s Home & Kitchen section.
13. Golliwog Products
The Golliwog was an American fictional character from the Victorian era, a black rag doll who got up to all kinds of mischief. Nowadays, it is considered highly racist to have such an object. Most people would see it as downright offensive.
So, despite the manufacturers saying that this mug would be the ideal gift for moms, dads, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and friends, we don’t exactly recommend this purchase.
Rated as the 14,790th bestseller in Amazon’s Mug section.
14. Strange Pickled Food?
To some cultures, pickled food like pig lips, turkey guts, and chicken feet are not only perfectly acceptable but are seen as a delicious delicacy.
However, to millions of people, eating these kinds of foods would be seen as bizarre; that’s why we have included them on this list. On the Korean Amazon website, Pickled Pig’s Feet are ranked a respectable 243rd in their Packaged & Canned Meats section, whereas in the UK site the exact same product comes in at 4,348,507th in the Home & Kitchen section.
Amazon (South Korea)
15. Magic Therapy Shoe Insoles
Finally, a medical breakthrough that does everything. All you have to do is slip it into your shoe and walk around on it all day long!
Introducing the Acupressure Magnetic Therapy Massage Insoles Anti-Fatigue Weight Loss Shoe. These miraculous footwear accessories do it all: relax your feet, boost your energy level, and lose weight.
Discouragingly, 55% of buyers gave it a one-star rating and one review said this ground-breaking product was “useless” while another stated, “it hurts!” Could it be that this product, which has no scientific basis for its outrageous claims, actually does not work?
Rating in the top-sellers list is unknown.
16. Pagan & Voodoo Conjuring Spell Lotion
The online marketplace is full of instant solutions and here is one to aid you in finding your true love and lasting happiness. What should you do if you wish to have a deep, committed relationship with a certain someone?
Simply write their name on the side of a pink candle dipped in this magical potion and in no time at all (supposedly), your true love will come running to you. What is most worrying about the product is that one of its main active ingredients is catnip. If nothing else, be prepared for a lot of unwanted attention from your neighborhood cats!
Rated as the 607th bestseller in Amazon’s Aromatherapy section.
17. Male Sexual Enhancing Pills
Men often worry about their sexual performance as they get older. But products like this claim to restore your vitality.
Its active ingredient is powdered Chiangbai Mountain Ants. It also guarantees to promote “a sense of clarity that remains throughout the day” accompanied by “a sense of positive absurdness.” (Is that a good thing or a bad thing?)
It is ranked an unimpressive 23,814th in the Health, Household & Personal Care section of Amazon.
18. The Klingon Dictionary
Learning a new language is meant to be good for the mind. But one for a made-up warrior race from a TV series (Star Trek), is without a doubt a little bizarre.
It is true the book is highly rated and has a respectable ranking in its category. One also has to admit the book takes its subject matter most seriously, covering thoroughly the fundamental rules of grammar as well as words of the Klingon language.
But it does escape the fact that it’s totally useless learning this language. The book has been around 28 years and has yet to be recognized by the United Nations. We also doubt any school teaches Klingon as part of their curriculum! As the Klingons would say: “qoH vuvbe’ SuS” (The wind does not respect a fool).
Rated as the 219th bestseller in Amazon’s Television (Books) section.
19. Perky, Anyone?
Have you ever wanted to address the issue of your breasts not being as perky as they used to be, but do not want to have expensive and painful cosmetic surgery? Well, why not try breast lifting and firming cream?
This product claims that it can increase breast tissue by up to 8.4% and costs just $167 for a two-month supply. What woman would not be tempted to buy this product (that has no reviews despite it being on sale for over three years on Amazon)?
Rating in the top sellers’ list is unknown.
20. Unisex Stainless Steel Clock Cuff-links
This is not sold as a novelty item, but something that is both useful for work and weddings. Of course, it is highly recommended to watch enthusiasts.
The manufacturers helpfully suggest that on business trips, you set each one to a different time zone: one for back home, the other to the country you are visiting. Obviously, you have to remember which is which or confusion will surely follow.
Rated as the 6,506th best seller in Amazon’s Cuff-links section.
21. Fluff Your Pet With Ease!
This fluffer comb comes with a replaceable plastic blade and a handle to facilitate the task of fluffing up your pet’s fur and making them more, well, furry (or at least fluffy).
Interestingly, this fluffer comb is made for cattle, as per the product description, but is apparently more popular as a dog comb. But really, if you want to comb your dog, just buy a dog comb … unless you want that extra “pop and bloom” the product specs promise.
Rated as the 141,093rd bestseller in Sports & Outdoors.
22. Attraction Spray
It seems a modern man can dispense with the foolish notion of courtship, seduction, and romance if he wants to attract women these days, especially when he has a bottle of 1.5 ml genuine (synthetic) pheromones! The idea is that a pheromone triggers a sexual response in the women nearby when they catch a whiff of the scent.
However, pheromones are nowhere near as straightforward or easy to replicate as the manufacturers claim. Although there is some science behind pheromones, it is mostly related to the behavior in insects, not humans!
Rated as the 17,358th bestseller in Amazon’s Beauty section.
23. Miracle Weight Loss Tablets
There is no quick fix to losing weight. Most medical experts agree that the only way to lose weight and keep it off is through a combination of regular exercise and eating a balanced diet. In fact, some weight loss pills being sold online can have nasty, potentially harmful side effects.
Medical sources recommend that you only lose between 1-2 pounds of weight per week. So, any product that claims to help you lose significantly more is either misleading you or promoting unhealthy weight loss.
Rated as the 978th bestseller in Amazon’s Detox & Cleanse Weight Loss section.
24. Whiter than White!
Amazon India sells a whitening cream for men’s underarms and intimate parts. It proudly declares on the jar “Rugged & Handsome Men inside Out”. (What does that actually mean???)
Obviously, there’s the serious issue that this product is suggesting that one skin color is better than another. And is it a really good idea to bleach your private parts!
(And call me cynical, but the instructions say, “Use twice daily for at least 45 days for visible results.” So, you have to get 90 applications out of a 100-gram jar?)
Ironically, the instructions on how to apply the cream state, “Apply a generous amount of cream.” (I guess it means generous but not more than a gram each time!) On that fact alone, this seems like a totally useless product; one jar is not ever going to be enough to get “visible” results.
Rated as the 26,553rd bestseller in Amazon’s Beauty section.
25. What’s a Letter???
Since postal letters in the US peaked in 2006, 66 billion fewer letters are now sent annually; the downward trend is predicted to continue for the foreseeable future.
So, what’s more bizarre and useless than buying a letter opener these days? Buying a pack of two!
Hardly the handiest of things in these days of e-mail and instant messaging. Rated as the 1,532nd bestseller in Amazon’s Office section.