25 Funny Headlines That Should Have Been on The Onion

Posted by , Updated on March 25, 2024

Do you read The Onion? Many people know The Onion to be a satirical news source with absurd stories that are obviously fictitious from the title of their headlines. Nobody takes it seriously, and that’s the way it should be.

Yet there are some news stories that one may think comes from this untrue news source, but these stories are actually true, albeit very funny.

You may have a hard time believing some of these are actual news stories, but we also provided the articles. Some are funny; others are just cringe-worthy. Here are 25 Funny Headlines That Actually Should Have Come From The Onion (But Didn’t)



Pug starts fight with police dog during 4 hour stand off


While police were outside the home of a robbery suspect in Phoenix, Arizona, a neighborhood pug tried to start a fight with the police’s much larger and highly trained police dog.

Luckily, no dog was injured. Perhaps the saying, “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog” may need to be reexamined.


Taliban hostage thought captors were joking that Trump was president


Joshua Boyle and his wife, Caitlan Coleman, were hostages of the Haqqani network in Afghanistan. They were deprived of any information that came from the outside world while enduring cruel punishment at the hands of their captors.

They endured this nightmare for five years. When they were told that reality T.V. star Donald Trump was now the president, they thought someone was playing a cruel joke.


Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaults ex-girlfriend who waved at man dressed as Snickers bar


Sandra Talbot attacked her ex-girlfriend at a well known gay bar in Dublin, Ireland. The fight supposedly started over the sumo suit that Talbot was wearing, and grew violent when Talbot’s ex-girlfriend, Adrienne Martin, waved at another patron wearing a “Snickers” costume.

We’re guessing the relationship had been “nuts” from the beginning.


Student excited that dad got head job


The student the article is referring to is Samantha Mangino, whose father had been hired as an assistant coach for Oklahoma.

We’re happy for this dad, but the editor may want to look over articles a little more carefully next time.


Shoplifter shoves chainsaw down his pants


The interesting aspect of this robbery is not that the man shoved a chainsaw down his pants, but how much effort he went into stealing the chainsaw. He shoved the blade down his pants and then covered the handle with his jacket.

He got away in a getaway car driven by an accomplice who apparently had been “casing the joint” a week before the incident.


'Falling iguana' alert issued in Florida due to cold temperatures: 'Don't assume that they're dead'


Ah yes, its that time of year in Florida once again. The temperature drops below 40, everyone cold blooded Floridian breaks out their winter coats, and the Iguanas fall from the sky. No really.

When the temperature gets below 40 Iguanas blood moves slowly and because of their cold blooded nature they fall out of the trees they perch in. Miami’s National Weather Service has warned passersby to leave them alone as they may feel threatened and bite once they warm up. 


Florida Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out of McNuggets


The woman in question, Latreasa Goodman, called 911 three times after she paid for a 10-piece order of nuggets and they didn’t have it.

In all fairness, they did try to offer her a McDouble but she didn’t want it. When you want chicken nuggets, nothing else will suffice.


Amputee Sought in Shooting Deaths of Parents in Florida


What? How? He must have great teeth, but even then, how is this possible?

Either this guy has extraordinary powers or he used his mouth to hold the gun, and then to pull the trigger … you know what, we’re completely at a loss here.


Tony the Tiger Begs Furries to Stop Tweeting Him Porn


Come on, people. Leave Tony alone. What kind of porn would you send a cartoon tiger, though? (You know what … don’t answer that. We do need to keep this site somewhat PG.)

The pornographic material was supposedly sent by “furries.” Furries are a community of people who dress up like an animal with human characteristics. However, it’s not always about sex.


Couple Arrested For Selling “Golden Tickets To Heaven”

selling tix2heavenpichttps://moron.com/couple-arrested-selling-golden-tickets/

Tito and Amanda Watts were selling tickets made of what they said was pure gold. The tickets were to be used at the pearly gates of Heaven for admittance.

Mr. Watts said he was given the tickets by Jesus behind a KFC. He also stated that an alien named “Stevie” told him that if he made enough money from selling the tickets, he would take Watts and his wife on his flying saucer to his home planet made completely out of crack cocaine.


Guy Kidnaps Elderly Man and Forces Him to Eat Mexican Food


David Pope kidnapped a 77-year-old man in 2015 and forced him to eat enchiladas, and drink a gallon of orange juice. The elderly gentleman said he ate the food because he was in fear for his life.

Pope told the man that he had taught himself how to cook authentic Mexican food with the dream of one day working at a Taco Bell. Hey, we all have our dreams … but let’s not foist them on other people.


Man 'high on LSD' saves dog from imaginary house fire


Michel Orchard broke into his neighbor’s house to save their dog from a house fire.

While this does sound very heroic and selfless on Orchard’s part, the fire was not real, the dog was in no danger, and Orchard was tripping.


Warren Lady Jacks Off To Good Start


O.k. let’s all be mature with this one. Are you good?

In all fairness, this headline is really just a case of bad wording. The Lady Jacks full name is “The Lady Lumberjacks” but we have a hard time believing this was not intentional. Come on!


Albert Einstein's Quote About Living A Modest Life Sells For $1.3 Million


Yeah, you read that correctly. Albert Einstein’s advice on how to live a “modest” and “humble” life was sold at an auction for over a million dollars.

We are very sorry, Mr. Einstein. We have failed you, good sir.


Montreal Man Given $149.00 Ticket for Singing "Everybody Dance Now" In His Car


Taoufik Moalla was charged with disturbing the peace for singing the popular ’90s dance song “Everybody Dance Now” by C&C Music Factory in his car. Moalla was driving to get some water when he heard the funky jam and began loudly singing along.

Shortly after this, he heard a siren and was pulled over. There are definitely worse songs he could have picked.


45-Minute Standoff With Tiger Ends When Police Realize It's A Stuffed Toy


Oh man, those pesky tigers. Can you imagine the scenario?

Police Sergeant: “O.k. people, we got a vicious man-eating tiger. I need you on your A-game to take it out.  Some of you may not make it, but that’s the job. Alright, let’s get it!”

(10 minutes later)

“Nevermind, it’s just a plush toy. Wow, this is embarrassing.”


Amish teen charged with driving his buggy drunk with friends on the roof


Doesn’t this sound like something straight out of a teen movie? Only, it’s with the Amish.

The driver, Robert Miller, who at the time was 18, blew an alcohol level of .0.65%. He was also driving with two friends on top of the buggy. Living dangerously.


Cop Shot In Face By Unarmed Black Man


We at List25 don’t condone violence upon the police or anyone, but seriously. How does that even make a lick of sense?

In case this needs explanation, here we go. If a person shoots someone, they are armed. If they are unarmed, they can’t shoot someone. Now he could have been armed at the time and then ditched the weapon, but even then, the headline really doesn’t work.


Woman Boards Flight To Find Her Seat Assignment Is In The Plane's Lavatory


Imagine getting seated in a plane and your seat is less than a coach seat. Well, say hello to Satwika Ika.

She was traveling to Jakarta and her ticket was for 35F. The problem is that airline Lion Air only had 34 rows. Ika’s ticket was for the plane’s bathroom. Man, that stinks!


Two Elderly Men Sneak Out Of Nursing Home To Attend Heavy Metal Festival


Here’s a story that rocks hardcore. Two men snuck out of their retirement home to attend a heavy metal music festival.

It just goes to show you that age is only a number. These guys were probably rock stars at heart.


Loose donkey gets 'field sobriety test' in Connecticut


A donkey was stopped and given a breathalyzer test after it had been found roaming around.

Fortunately, the police officers gave the test as a joke. The donkey was reunited with its owner.


Study: Rich more likely to take candy from babies


A study was conducted at the National Academy of Sciences to test who would actually take candy from a baby. The assignment was to divide the students into one group who felt they were upper class and the other group feeling like they were lower class.

They then were given a jar of candy and told they could take as much as they wanted and the remainder would go to children at a nearby lab. Guess who ate most of the candy … yep, the rich kids. Maybe due to an increased sense of entitlement?


Drunk woman steals 45ft ferry while shouting 'I'm Jack Sparrow'


Alison Whelan and a friend boarded the Dart Princess after drinking spree. They had enbibed Lambrini and ate a poisonous nightshade, which causes hallucinations.

Whelan managed to steal the boat and play bumper boats with the other ships at sea before finally being arrested.


Florida Rapper Hands Cop His Mixtape Instead Of I.D. After Being Pulled Over


A man was pulled over in Delray Beach, Florida, for reckless driving. When the officer asked for his license the man – who was apparently also an aspiring rapper – gave the cop his mixtape.

The “rapper,” along with some of his cohorts, ended up fleeing the scene. We don’t know if the cop ever gave the mixtape a listen. If we had to guess, we’d say … probably not.


Study Shows Teen Pregnancy Drops Significantly After Age 19


*crickets chirping with an uncomfortable silence, then facepalm*

We don’t know if this article is being redundant or blatantly obvious, or maybe both. Either way … duh!

You do know that after age 19 is the age 20, which, just in case you don’t know, is no longer in the “teens” so it’s no longer a “teen” pregnancy.

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