Did you have a favorite toy growing up? We all probably did. Some of us loved playing with Barbie dolls while others may have enjoyed learning new yo-yo tricks. Toys helped strengthen our vivid imaginations and helped cure us of that dreaded monster, Boredom.
There was no better feeling as a kid then going to a toy store and looking at all the fun things available to play with. You may not have always been able to buy that toy, but there was something about just seeing it and imagining yourself as the proud owner.
For the most part, toys are fun and innocent enough for children. Yet there are some toymakers who may want to consider another career path. They have twisted the toy market into something, well, almost indescribable. You just might need to take a look for yourself. Here are 25 Bizarre Toys That Nobody Should EVER Play With.
So, here is a great idea for a toy. You shake its neck as hard as you can and it makes noise. Not only is it incredibly fun, but it’s a great way to throw away that pesky “violence doesn’t solve problems” saying.
Seriously, what was the marketing process behind this toy? Luckily, the manufacturer of this doll later teamed up with the NCPCA to raise awareness about Shaken Baby Syndrome.
Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid
The Cabbage Patch Dolls were a huge hit in the early ’80s. What made them so popular is that they were a collectible item. Parents would travel miles to pick up the latest doll for their children.
Yet, when the Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid came out, it was not happily received. Not only did it eat food, but it also had a craving for children’s hair. Yes, it’s a good thing this doll was discontinued.
Happy Family Midge
Let’s continue with another nightmare doll, shall we? Midge was a friend of Barbie’s. In case you have no idea who Barbie is (which is unlikely, seeing as how she is the most famous doll in the world). Barbie is a doll created by Mattell and has a variety of clothes, cars, careers, etc.
The creators of Midge decided to give her a family. They attached a removable stomach on her with a baby inside. Oh, and one more thing: Midge was supposed to be a teenager. Parents were outraged by this and the doll was removed.
Socker Boppers were kind of like boxing gloves … but bigger.
They allowed kids to play-fight with each other without doing any real damage, except for the fact that they were hitting each other with sticky plastic thingies. If you get hit in the face with it, it probably really stings.
It’s true that children should learn about saving money and how the economy works. One way to get them to never want to do that is with this toy.
Face Bank is a rubber money collector where kids deposit money into the mouth. The thing is very creepy looking and has a blank expression on its face. “Yes, children, feed Lord Face Bank.”
Little Miss No Name
The intention behind “Little Miss No Name” was actually endearing. The creators wanted to teach children about the homeless. They created a doll that lived on the streets and wore raggedy clothes.
Perhaps they should have eased it up a bit. The doll looked like it was two steps away from a full-blown drug addiction. If the goal was to get kids to think more about the homeless, we think it did, but we don’t think the goal was to cause children to be terrified of homeless people.
Moon Shoes gave kids the feeling of walking on the moon. They had springs on the inside, so when kids would bounce, it gave the feeling of being in space (supposedly).
The biggest problem is that kids are not great with coordination and there may have been few twisted ankles and broken bones.
Shape Shifter Punisher
The Punisher (aka Frank Castle) is one of the most iconic vigilantes in the comic book world. Not only is there a Punisher comic book, but there are a few movies and a short-lived series on Netflix.
There may have been a ball dropped with this particular Punisher toy. The Shape Shifter Punisher transforms into a gun. However, the barrel part of the toy is in a place we just can’t mention here.
Lovely Straight Jacket
No, we are not joking. Yes, this is a real toy.
It’s like someone took the idea of the child leash to a whole new level. If they invent a shock treatment, we’re done.
We have no idea what is fun about this, and it feels wrong to even make a joke about it. Seriously, a straight jacket for children? C’mon, dude.
Lol, you thought we were done with children confinement toys? Oh, that’s cute. No, we now present to you a child’s play prison or “Funny Cage”. It is probably a horrible toy, but it may be fantastic for a time out.
But, seriously, never ever do that. There is a big difference between making your kid sit in the corner for five minutes and locking them up in a cage.
Jar Jar Binks Tongue Pop
You remember Jar Jar Binks from Star War 1: The Phantom Menace, right? The incredibly annoying whatever-the-heck he was called. Well, they actually made a tongue pop with his face.
Guess what the candy part was? Yep, his tongue. Luckily it has since been discontinued. Next time, just make an ice cream bar with his face.
Just when you thought toys couldn’t be more depraved, along comes Kabba Kick. Here is a child’s plaything that teaches kids all about the wonders of Russian Roulette.
The object of this game is for kids to put the gun to their head. If a pink hippo doesn’t spring out and punch them, they win. So much fun, right?!
We want to meet the marketing team behind this one. Whoever it is either hates kids, hates their job, or both.
The Ghost Girl is a doll head on top of an octopus. No, really it looks like an offering to the god Cthulhu. We hope it doesn’t talk. If you want to psychologically scar your children, get them one of these.
The Avenging Unicorn
Unicorns are such beautiful, mystical creatures. Well, not The Avenging Unicorn, equipped with a stabbing horn and human figurines with the fear of death on their faces.
These aren’t your average fantasy namby-pamby unicorns; these are unicorns of mayhem.
Bearded Baby Doll
Not sure if this doll was supposed to teach child-raising or taking care of the elderly, but it’s very disturbing either way. The Bearded Baby doll looks like the demonic offspring of Santa Claus.
It would be one thing if the beard was detachable, and it looked like a cute baby playing dress-up. Nope, it’s a small, bald man with an evil smile.
Cyclops Brain Toy Car
You can’t deny that toy vehicles that kids can ride are pretty cool. They have toy jeeps, sports cars, and even four-wheelers. But they didn’t stop there.
This toy car comes in a human brain design, complete with one bloodshot eye. It’s the perfect gift for your horror-and-death metal-loving offspring.
The Daddy Saddle
The Daddy Saddle was around in the ’50s. All we can say is, thankfully, it’s not around today. If your child wanted a horsie ride, they could do it like a real cowboy with a saddle that wrapped around their father’s stomach.
You could probably just skip the saddle and give your kid an old-fashioned piggyback ride. This thing is not appropriate for any child.
Baby's First Baby
We need more dolls that don’t do anything: not move, talk, or eat. But here is another childbearing doll. This time, it’s a baby that has a baby.
So, is damaging a child’s psyche not good enough? Now they are receiving biological misinformation as well.
Doctor Drill and Fill
Hey kids, wanna learn how to be a dentist? Well, now you can with Play-Doh’s Dr. Drill and Fill.
Now you can pull and drill teeth while laughing, just like your friendly and sadistic neighborhood dentist. Go ahead! Pull some teeth out and practice those interrogation techniques.
Jack in the Box
Is a Jack in the Box suppose to be enjoyable? We think it probably causes more anxiety and crying than anything else.
Forget the fact that something pops up at you, and you don’t know when to expect it … but it’s some freaky clown-looking thing. How is this supposed to be fun?
Struts is a toy horse in the mode of My Little Pony except it wears lingerie and stilettos.
Is this what happens when My Little Pony can’t pay the light bill anymore? We have lost faith in humanity. Why does a horse need clothes, anyway?
Fearsome Flush is actually a villain from the Ghostbusters cartoon series. It’s a toilet possessed by a ghost. (It’s probably not best to introduce this to your child during the potty-training years.)
Don’t worry, they don’t sell this in toy stores anymore. Chances are, you would have to look really hard to even find it online.
Ladies and gentlemen, we at List25 present to you Gooey Louie, the toy where you pick Louie’s nose. But, beware: if you pick the wrong booger, then his eyes pop out and his brains go all over the place.
Please, please hold the applause. (And really, like kids need nose-picking influences.)
Batman Squirt Gun
We shouldn’t have to tell you what’s wrong with this; just look at the picture. Toymakers, you had one job to do: one.
Is that supposed to be the Caped Crusader flying? Yeah, great job. Thankfully, this toy was made in the ’60s and it’s not around anymore.
Yeah, we’re ending with a doll for this list because they are the most disturbing kids’ invention ever. They have dolls that eat, poop, and have babies … but there’s more.
With Mr. Buttons, you can have a doll with a smile made out of real baby teeth. Yes, you read that right. It also has buttons for eyes, hence the name. (Altar, black robes, and chalice not included.)