25 Hilarious Amazon Product Reviews That’ll Have You Crying

“Got this for the Mother in-law for bath time, hoping it’d be crap, her kindle would slip out and electrocute her. So far, this bloody thing is staying in one piece. Great for waterproof kindling, crap for murder.” – Ben Harrison, Amazon user

“My girlfriend and I were on the verge of breaking up because I would keep her awake at night with my constant mouse clicking. NOT ANYMORE! Consider this relationship saved. This mouse is so silent she will sometimes forget I’m even home and invite her lover over. He’s a pretty cool guy.” – LooseSeal, Amazon user

“These ice cube trays have changed my life. I live in Florida, and ice is not easy to come by here. It used to be once every twenty years or so that I might by chance encounter ice in the real world. We see it on television and in movies all the time, but very rarely do we ever get to have a personal experience with ice to call our own.

That. All. Changed.

These ice trays arrived via Amazon Prime two-day shipping and they have changed my life. Now like magic all I have to do is fill them with water, place them in the freezer, wait a few hours and BOOM – REAL honest to God ice I can not only call my OWN but ENJOY!

I swear, these ice trays were forged by our  savior himself. You absolutely cannot go wrong with these. They will change your life and you need never again suffer the indignity of drinking a lukewarm beverage EVER again!” – Ryan, Amazon user

“I purchased this product 4.47 Billion Years ago and when I opened it today, it was half empty” – Patrick J. McGovern, Amazon user

“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready” – ByronicHero

“I sold my wife, my girlfriend, my sister, my new girl friend, my latest girlfriend, my 6 kids, my house and all my 1,000,000 shares in LG because I wanted this TV so much, I’m sure the picture quality is great but I haven’t managed to switch the TV on yet as the tent I currently live in doesn’t have electricity. Note – I would have given this item 5-stars if it ran on batteries – on the plus side the cardboard box does help keep me warm at night” – Moody Chops

“Despite ordering a more reasonable ornament, this one arrived. It. Is. Yuge. It’s absolutely yuge. It’s the biggest ornament. Yuge.
I hung it on my tree, but it is so yuge that it has totally unbalanced my whole tree. No matter where I hang it, the tree leans waaaaaay over to the far right.” – Simon Webb

“I’ve always wanted a calculator watch. Now that I’m pushing 30, I felt that I’m an adult and I can do what I want and I want to buy a calculator watch, dammit. Yeah, I said it. You’re not my mom. Deal with it.

It’s great. It has dual time, a stopwatch, alarm, tells the date and day of the week, AND A FRIGGIN’ CALCULATOR. If you wear it tightly enough, you can feel your pulse. So it’s like an Apple Watch only it costs under $20, has a 3 year manufacturer’s warranty, and the battery lasts five years. Doesn’t send text messages, but you can write such words as ‘BOOBS’, ‘BOOBIES’, ‘BOOBLESS’, ‘BEES’, and ‘SHOE’. So if you’re a man of few words and your friend is right next to you, it’s basically the same as iMessage.

Knocked off a star because the screen seems to lack some contrast. Not sure if it’s permanent or the battery is low. Can’t recharge the battery, so I don’t know.” – Ethan

“I wasn’t ready for this shirt.

I bought it for a 4th of July party, thinking it would be a fun gag shirt. Little did I know, I pulled it out of the box and sank immediately to my knees and wiped tears of pure joy, and by “pure joy” I mean “pure Jack Daniel’s”. I strapped it on and my max bench press increased by 100lbs. I wipped the whiskey from my face, looked in the mirror, and in my reflection I saw him.

George Washington.” – Danielle

“I got these in the mail (it was the only present I wanted) and wanted to use them immediately. Y’see, every day when I walk to school these two guys named Ronald and Chester push me on the ground and call me names and say I’m no good. Then they always rip up my homework and take every single one of my pens and pencils away. One time they made me eat a whole pencil and my mouth was bleeding for two days. If I say stop they punch me in the tummy. I have to borrow a pen in class and the teacher always says “ETCHISON! WHY AIN’T YOU GOT A PEN? THIS IS SCHOOL! WHERE’D YOU THINK YOU WERE COMING TODAY?” Every day. So when I got the Hulk hands I decided to take matters into my own (or should I say Hulk’s) hands. I walked to school with these on, hidden behind my back. When the two guys came up to me I pulled em out and said, “I THINK TWO BUTTMUNCHES OWE THIS GUY SOME PENCILS!” I started waving my hands in windmill style punches and I hit Ronald in the chest but then Chester stabbed me in the leg with a knife and they ran off. Now I’m in the hospital because I didn’t tell anyone for too long and it got infected. My parents are really mad at me. I hate College.” – James Etchison

“So, not so funny story: Someone in the apartment unit above us got STABBED. According to the cop who interviewed us, the attacker rang the upstairs doorbell, and when the guy answered the attacker forced his way in and stabbed the guy. You want to know what scary part is? I didn’t hear a thing, thanks to my amazing HyperX Cloud 2 headphones. I got them on Amazon for $99.99 (free shipping). These things work as advertised! Probably the best noise cancelling headphones I’ve ever owned. 10/10 would buy again.” – Adam

“This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby’s belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby’s belly button is right where it’s suppose to be, on Baby’s stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK.” – Pacman

“Great suit but the sizing is small. I ordered a size 6 for my daughter who wears a 7 and it was a bit snug so I am exchanging for a 7. Would recommended ordering a size or 2 up.” – Lindsay442

“No. I see you considering purchasing these. A fun little prank to play on your digestional tract.

These are Satan. Bears.
Myself and a few buddys, after laughing about some reviews, decided to buy some. Weapon storage was all it was. The package came a few days later, amd we chuckled and tried some.

These mother frickers are fabulous. The taste is like having a package of skittles pee on your tastebuds. Truly astounding. So, as they are delicious, I decided to eat a few more. And then some more. Nothing really happened that night. A little bloating, some discomfort, nothing to fret about. So, praising the nine that I must have been one who can tolerate the sugar substitute, when i got to work the next day, i sat down with a bowl and chowed down.

That night. Oh God forgive that night.

I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When i wasnt experiencing Satans fury exploding from my rear, i was laying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. Im a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

When it was finally over, i couldnt move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that i drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.” – Aaron

“I love this product. It keeps my car nice and cool, BUT I will say that the only defect I have found so far is that it is very hard to drive with this on. I have had over 5 wrecks since I purchased it.

After my first fender bender, I decided it was best to roll down the window and stick my head out to see the road, but even that is hard because my eyes and mouth dry out very quickly. Since then, I have purchased some swimming goggles and a snorkel which has helped out tremendously during long drives.

Overall I would recommend this product, but only for those who are good at driving without being able to see the road.” – Joshoohuhh

“Some may call this product simply “milk”, but that is a woeful and shameful label to place upon this intoxicating beverage. This elixer must have been gently drawn from the teat of an angel by trained unicorns. I actually poured some on my Rice Krispies and instead of hearing “Snap”, “Crackle” and “Pop” I was instead treated to a vocal arrangement of Handel’s Messiah.

Yes, you only get a gallon’s worth for your $45, but a little goes a long way. You will find that a simple 1 fl oz portion is enough to sooth the soul and mend broken bones. Some people also carry a thimble-full to ward off demons and angry trolls. But a word of warning: ensure that the container is placed in its own refrigerator. It does not tolerate the presence of lesser liquids well, and has been know to banish them to Helheim.” – Jim Jagielski

“I upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 8. Before in Windows 8 I had to go to the ginormous start screen to launch a program on the desktop, but now in Windows 95, there is a start menu that makes launching programs much easier. Alot of the default programs that came with Windows 8 are in Windows 95 like calculator, paint, notepad etc. A notable and cool in Windows 95 is the briefcase, I can stick folders in it and bring the file up in another computer. Minesweeper is a great game in Windows 95 to try. Unlike Windows 8, MS-DOS games are fully compatible, so no need for DOS Box. Additionally, Windows 95 uses significantly less resources like hard disk space, so my hard drive went from 475gb out of 500gb with Win8, to 499gb out of 500gb with Win95. Some other useful features in Windows 95 are disk defrag for defragging your drive, and Scan Disk for checking for disk errors. The thing I love most with Windows 95 is the simplicity, there is no other interface, and not a bucket load of apps preinstalled. Windows 95 is overall a great OS and I highly recommend it.” – Brenden

“I was born with a terrible deformity in my right hand – it is withered and rolled in on itself and useless. I ordered this shirt hoping that it would mend the hole that has grown in my soul over the years.

When the package arrived, I opened it with my left hand and began to realize there was a strange tingling sensation in my right hand! Suddenly it rushed forth through my entire body. When it hit my head I saw God!

When this sensation ended, I looked at my old, dead hand and, lo! and behold, it was still deformed.

But the shirt fits really well.” – Christopher Parizo

“For those of you who don’t know, this is God’s second novel after the Old Testament. It’s a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He’s become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn’t throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book.

That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn’t really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive. In like four chapters, he just rewords the same basic story over and over again. To top that off, he puts those chapters one right after the other. Like we wouldn’t notice! I like the whole Jesus character, but let’s face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy.” – W. Christian

“We took this ball to the beach and after close to 2 hours to pump it up, we pushed it around for about 10 fun filled minutes. That was when the wind picked it up and sent it huddling down the beach at about 40 knots. It destroyed everything in its path. Children screamed in terror at the giant inflatable monster that crushed their sand castles. Grown men were knocked down trying to save their families. The faster we chased it, the faster it rolled. It was like it was mocking us. Eventually, we had to stop running after it because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees. Rumor has it that it can still be seen stalking innocent families on the Florida panhandle. We lost it in South Carolina, so there is something to be said about its durability.” – Reid Hamlin

“WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A “SUPER BIG GULP” CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN’T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.

CONS:
I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN 72 HOURS.
I CANT FEEL MY FACE.
I PEED THIS MORNING AND I’M PRETTY SURE IT WAS 99% BLOOD.

PROS:
I’VE DEEP CLEANED MY ENTIRE APARTMENT.
I CAN READ MINDS.

SUPER BIG GULP=44OZ, 5 HOUR ENERGY=2OZ. THAT MEANS I DRANK 22 5 HOUR ENERGYS IN LESS THAN 2 MINUTES. 22X5=110 HOURS OF ENERGY.

GOD HELP ME.” – Penfifteen

“What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone…. this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!” – Mrs Toledo

“Thank the Good Lord for Lady BICs. Before there was a pen just for me, I had a lot of trouble writing all the things a girl needs to write down, like my initials + the boy I like’s initials and doodles of hearts and flowers. Man pens stubbornly insisted on writing things like legal briefs and other boring man stuff, which caused me to become a lawyer – entirely forgetting my proper place in society.” – Jenny

“It’s in here somewhere. With me.

Woke up this morning to find that my Guardian Angel had shattered. The inside was slimy and green. Moments later, heard a skittering sound behind some furniture. Found that during the night, phone lines had been cut, and all the doors and windows are shut with some kind of Super Glue like substance. My cell phone has been smashed. I can’t get out. It didn’t cut the cable internet, so I’ve got online to warn you, don’t buy the guarslkdj;al b bbbbbbbbbbbbbb,,,,,,,,,,,wke;lj

feeling better now. Everything is fine. I will be sending a Guardian Angel to all of it’s friends, family, neighbors, and associates. All humans must get one. Five stars. The most relaxing experience ever. I will never have another worry ever again after buying this product, and you will feel total fulfillment in service of a force infinitely greater than yourself. Buy it. You will never know pain after you feel the slight pinching at the back of your skull.” – A Trustworthy Human