Have you thought about some of the things that happen to you after you die? Unless you are a Turritopsis dohrnii (aka, biologically immortal jellyfish) you’re gonna die. The people you love are gonna die, your dog is gonna die, and that one super annoying co-worker you kind of not so secretly hate? They’re gonna die too.
As with everything else, it’s best to face unavoidable yet unpleasant things with knowledge and if at all possible, a sense of humor. To help you with the knowledge portion, here are 25 things that happen (or could happen) to you after you die.
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There’s a party in your bowels. Specifically, the bacteria that live there go crazy, since the immune system is no longer functioning to keep things in check. There’s all sorts of gross stuff in our poop factories that could make us sick if the good bacteria in our gut and our immunize system didn’t run interference. Without the immune system, bad bacteria go crazy, multiply, spread to other organs and start breaking down your meat suit.
Death is a such a drag
You may not believe this, but after you die, you moan. Like audibly moan. After you die, air and other gases escape your body. Some of this air passes your vocal chords which can cause a moaning or even a grunting sound. Can you imagine examining a dead body when out of nowhere it goes “uuuuuhg”….yeah, no thank you.
When you're at your lowest
When you die your heart stops pumping blood. The blood then settles at the lowest point in your body. If you’re a man, and face down when you die, that would usually be your penis. So you can get a postmortem erection. It may even leak fluids. It’s not ejaculate, it’s just…gross dead body fluid. It’s also pretty common (was pretty common) when people were hanged as the blood pooled in the legs and then..yeah. This awkward phenomenon is called “priapism” or more colloquially, “Angel Lust”.
If a pregnant woman dies, her body may go through something called a "coffin birth" in which the body will actually give birth to a child. Though extremely rare, if the right set of factors are in place the build-up of intra-abdominal gases can push a fetus out through the relaxed vaginal opening.
Your cause of death will be listed on your Death Certificate (yep, even dying has paperwork and certificates) but it will not be listed as “Old Age”. Because people don’t actually die of that. They die of common ailments that plague our bodies as they get really old, but “old age” itself isn’t actually a thing that could kill you.