Prepare to lock and load, here are 25 best Shakespearean insults that are better than swearing! Have you ever wanted to insult someone so badly, that a regular swear word just would not to? I do. ALL. THE. TIME. Especially when I’m driving. And, let me tell you, some people really deserve a barrage of eloquent insults. But if you’re like me, in heated moments, eloquence escapes you (eloquence escapes me no matter what I do…but that’s beside the point). Fortunately for us, we have Shakespeare, the master of eloquent insults. Next time a jerk cuts you off in traffic? Shakespeare to the rescue. Your team’s player is simply not playing well enough? Shakespeare can handle that. A politician is pissing you off? Shakespeare would decry, “There’s small choice in rotten apples!” Someone exits? You know the answer. Shake-freaking-speare.
“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

“If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.”

“Away, you three-inch fool! “

“Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”

“Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”

“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”

“Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.“

“Thou cream faced loon.”

“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”

“This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.”

“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”

“The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.”

“The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.”

“I am sick when I do look on thee.“

“Thou art as fat as butter.”

“Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”

“Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

“Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!”

“Thou lump of foul deformity.”

“Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter!”

“Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.”

"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.”

“Villain, I have done thy mother.”
