Prepare to lock and load, here are 25 best Shakespearean insults that are better than swearing! Have you ever wanted to insult someone so badly, that a regular swear word just would not to? I do. ALL. THE. TIME. Especially when I’m driving. And, let me tell you, some people really deserve a barrage of eloquent insults. But if you’re like me, in heated moments, eloquence escapes you (eloquence escapes me no matter what I do…but that’s beside the point). Fortunately for us, we have Shakespeare, the master of eloquent insults. Next time a jerk cuts you off in traffic? Shakespeare to the rescue. Your team’s player is simply not playing well enough? Shakespeare can handle that. A politician is pissing you off? Shakespeare would decry, “There’s small choice in rotten apples!” Someone exits? You know the answer. Shake-freaking-speare.
“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”
Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3) “If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.”
Hamlet (Act 3, Scene 1) “Away, you three-inch fool! “
The Taming of the Shrew (Act 3, Scene 3) “Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”
Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 4) “Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”
As You Like It (Act 2, Scene 7) “You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”
Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4) “You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”
Henry IV Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 1) “Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.“
Troilus and Cressida (Act 2, Scene 1) “Thou cream faced loon.”
Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 3) “Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”
Richard III (Act 1 Scene 2) “This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.”
All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 5, Scene 3) “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”
Henry V (Act 5, Scene 2) “That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”
Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4) “The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.”
The Merry Wives of Windsor (Act 3, Scene 5) “The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.”
The Comedy of Erros (Act 5, Scene 4) “I am sick when I do look on thee.“
A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Act 2, Scene 1) “Thou art as fat as butter.”
Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4) “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”
Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4 ) “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”
Henry V (Act 4, Scene 4) “Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!”
Richard III (Act 1, Scene 3 ) “Thou lump of foul deformity.”
Richard III (Act 1, Scene 2) “Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter!”
King Lear (Act 2, Scene 2 ) “Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.”
Measure For Measure (Act 3, Scene 1) "Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.”
Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3) “Villain, I have done thy mother.”
Titus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2) 
