25 Best Shakespearean Insults That Are Better than Swearing

Prepare to lock and load, here are 25 best Shakespearean insults that are better than swearing! Have you ever wanted to insult someone so badly, that a regular swear word just would not to? I do. ALL. THE. TIME. Especially when I’m driving. And, let me tell you, some people really deserve a barrage of eloquent insults. But if you’re like me, in heated moments, eloquence escapes you (eloquence escapes me no matter what I do…but that’s beside the point). Fortunately for us, we have Shakespeare, the master of eloquent insults. Next time a jerk cuts you off in traffic? Shakespeare to the rescue. Your team’s player is simply not playing well enough? Shakespeare can handle that. A politician is pissing you off? Shakespeare would decry, “There’s small choice in rotten apples!” Someone exits? You know the answer. Shake-freaking-speare.

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25

“I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

Shocked faceTimon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)
24

“If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.”

monsterbrideHamlet (Act 3, Scene 1)
23

“Away, you three-inch fool! “

shortmanThe Taming of the Shrew (Act 3, Scene 3)
22

“Away, you starvelling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish!”

Shocked face 2Henry IV Part I (Act 2, Scene 4)
21

“Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

dry brainAs You Like It (Act 2, Scene 7)
20

“You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s-pizzle, you stock-fish–O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!”

shocked face 3Henry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)
19

“You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I’ll tickle your catastrophe!”

Wtf catHenry IV Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 1)
18

“Thou sodden-witted lord! Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.“

ElbowTroilus and Cressida (Act 2, Scene 1)
17

“Thou cream faced loon.”

creamfaceMacbeth (Act 5, Scene 3)
16

“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.”

HellRichard III (Act 1 Scene 2)
15

“This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.”

Angrywoman2All’s Well That Ends Well (Act 5, Scene 3)
14

“Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

sunburnHenry V (Act 5, Scene 2)
13

“That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”

shocked dogHenry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)
12

“The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril.”

disgustingThe Merry Wives of Windsor (Act 3, Scene 5)
11

“The tartness of his face sours ripe grapes.”

sourfaceThe Comedy of Erros (Act 5, Scene 4)
10

“I am sick when I do look on thee.“

SickwhenIlookA Midsummer Night’s Dream (Act 2, Scene 1)
9

“Thou art as fat as butter.”

fatmanHenry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4)
8

“Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!”

OmgHenry IV Part 1 (Act 2, Scene 4 )
7

“Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

Mountain goatHenry V (Act 4, Scene 4)
6

“Thou elvish-mark’d, abortive, rooting hog!”

OMG2Richard III (Act 1, Scene 3 )
5

“Thou lump of foul deformity.”

crazyfaceRichard III (Act 1, Scene 2)
4

“Thou whoreson zed, thou unnecessary letter!”

whatKing Lear (Act 2, Scene 2 )
3

“Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.”

sinMeasure For Measure (Act 3, Scene 1)
2

"Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon.”

spittingTimon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)
1

“Villain, I have done thy mother.”

angry manTitus Andronicus (Act 4, Scene 2)


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