On the phone
With the exception of a long distance relationship (which never work), breaking up with someone over the phone is one of the clearest signs you don’t want to interact with that person… ever. No talking, no eye contact, no weird emotionally contorted faces about to cry; nope, just a callous, hollow phone call.
There are a lot of ways to break up with someone on Facebook. You can be blunt by posting and tagging the new ex on a post that says you quit, you can simply change your status to “single” from “in a relationship”, or you can even unfriend and block the poor heartbroken unfortunate soul. But if you really want to be evil, just flaunt your life on the newsfeed and let the whole wide world (including the ex), know you’re better off single or with someone way better.
Through a text message
By leaving a voicemail
You want to break up but you don’t want to deal with that long conversation or that pathetic sight afterwards. What do you do? Why leave a voicemail of course. Your lack of sensitivity will save you from hours and hours of crying and whining.
By being extra mean
On a vacation
Anything can happen when you’re out of your comfort zone. Feelings could turn from fiery hot to ice cold and before you know it, your spouse (soon to be ex) is dropping you like a hot potato or worse; a soggy stale piece of French fry. If the now ex wants to leave you and jump on another adventure, let him or her go. You’re on vacation anyway so might as well clear your head and chill, right? Just be sure to charge everything to his/her account.
This is probably the nastiest clincher after a steamy romp. The one question you probably see flashing in your mind is “What did I do wrong?” as you bravely stare at your ex’s naked back unceremoniously heading to the door and out of your life. Just know that it takes a special kind of person to do something like that…the kind of special you are better off without.
By ignoring relationship issues
Ignoring relationship issues can be a sign that the relationship is heading towards a dead end. But its a heck of a lot worse when the childish act of avoiding confrontation is celebrated in the terminal even more childish outcome of a broken relationship. Just remember, diamonds are diamonds because they are rare and it takes a heck of a lot of effort to get them.
While with friends
One thing is to break up in a public space, where people who don’t know you, won’t probably know you and just don’t care inhabit. However, when you break up in front of people who are mutual friends of you and your ex, you are adding a whole mess of drama that is just not wise.
In front of your family
If your brain is raging like wildfire and you’re just despicably mad at your future ex-lover try the classic “humiliate them while in public” way of breaking up. In order to solidify the resolve you can a) throw a glass of wine on his/her surprised face, b) slap him square on his jaw (notice she’s doing the slapping. Guys, this is not an option for you) c) kick him somewhere extremely painful (Again guys, not an option for you) d) throw a chair over his head (… it looks like the ladies have the upper hand here).
Lying is bad, but when you lie about your relationship status that’s a whole different level of bad. If you are going to break up with someone do it already and don’t lie about it! It’s like removing wax strips, the slower you do it, the more painful it is…(but then again, maybe that’s what you were going for).
By dragging it out for so long until you end up initiating it
If you are completely unable to utter the words “It’s over” this is the break up for you. The way it works is you just stick around as an emotionless zombie. Eventually your future ex will get so tired and annoyed by your lack of backbone that he/she will have no option but to dump you. It’s a win-win situation.
At your “Special Place”
It can be where you first met, where you went to on your first date, where a proposal was made or where you took your first vacation alone together. Any of those places can be counted as special place and are ideal to turn your future ex’s day into a living nightmare.
On Valentine’s Day
Cupid probably never had a clue that your soon-to-be ex decided to turn the day of hearts into a day of doom. But you can’t blame the winged cutie about it, blame your indecent, heartless, hell spawned ex. Forget a cupid’s arrow, this person deserves a poisoned spear.
On your birthday
It’s your party and you’ll cry if you want to, right? Not, if your future ex has anything to say about it. With gallant strides, he/she walks through a room full of friends all wishing you happy birthday, only to pull you aside and give you the worst present of your life. And the worst part of it is, it doesn’t even have a receipt so you can’t return it.
On your anniversary
Through a friend
At someone’s funeral
Through a billboard
Calling it quits through a billboard for the entire world to talk about is a totally epic (and quite painful) way to break up. Your dirty laundry isn’t everybody’s business but who cares? If you think your ex deserves the cruelest bashing and you have his/her money to pay for your marvelous idea, then go ahead, make him/her want to hide from civilization.
By being literally left at the altar.
For years, some dream of that magical day called marriage. Ridiculous amounts of money is spent on things like wedding dresses, cakes, musicians, food, etc. all to celebrate that holy union and that wonderful promise of everlasting love…that is until one of the promised ones decides he/she rather not get married. This is probably the absolute ultimate way to devastate, humiliate, destroy, someone.