It should go without saying but you will absolutely need one of these. While we suggest a shotgun, sniper rifles and crossbows are also good options. Just remember that each one has its drawbacks. Shotguns are relatively easy to get your hands on as every Wal-Mart stocks them (if you can’t find a Wal-Mart though, just find a redneck, they’ll probably have several). Sniper rifles and crossbows can be a bit harder to find but its well worth it if you don’t want to get zombie guts on your clothes. Otherwise you’ll probably be interested in…
Guts on your clothes are one thing but guts in your eye are another. It’s also absolutely critical that your eyewear have a solid elastic strap because there’s nothing worse than stabbing a zombie in the face after a picture perfect ninja roll only to have his guts explode in your eye because your goggles came off. Style points are always a plus though which brings us to…
It’s inevitable, you will eventually run out of ammunition. Just don’t panic. Although any blunt object will do samurai swords come highly recommended. Designed to sever spines with a flick of the wrist, zombies shouldnÕt be too much of a problem.
With all of these weapons hanging from your belt walking around is bound to be a hassle. Although there are numerous options available to you, tanks and monster trucks are probably going to be your best bets. Whatever you do though, avoid school busses!!! Anyone who’s ever seen a zombie movie knows how frustrating it is to always watch people die because they think that driving around town in a bus is a good idea. Busses are slow, they can’t go off road, and there are always zombies hiding under the seats.
Depending on the type of outbreak, the virus may be airborne. Even if it isn’t though, keep in mind that you are going to be slashing your way through hordes of rotting dead people. Trust us…your nose will thank you.
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As bad as they are for you, being eaten in your sleep by zombies is arguably worse. In fact, sleeping at all is probably not a good idea. Especially not with perpetually conscious brain suckers on your trail.
Busting through doors like a boss is going to be very important in terms of survival. Not only will you often find yourself with your back literally up against the door but wasting ammunition to bust through it is a bit silly when you could just use a crowbar.
Once the zombies take over most of the fresh food in the world will spoil quickly. Although your first reaction may be to go for the canned goods…don’t. They’re too heavy and will weigh you down. Your only real option is going to be astronaut food. It might taste kind of bad but if it can sustain people in space then it can sustain people anywhere.
You’re going to be doing a lot of running across rooftops, jumping over trash cans, and sliding beneath closing garage doors in the nick of time – don’t ask why, that’s just the way it is. Proper hydration therefore is a must. Besides, it would be utterly embarrassing to die of thirst in a zombie apocalypse.
Not having a hideout in a zombie apocalypse is like playing russian roulette with uzis – its just a bad idea. With that said, we know what you’re thinking – I’ll just go find myself an island. That’s fine, zombies can’t swim and islands are hard to access, but just remember though – if something is hard to get to then it’s also hard to get away from…and zombies have been known to float. So choose wisely.
When you do finally do find that perfect hideout you will want to start stockpiling which should consists of mostly of two things – astronaut food and toilet paper. Think about it. In a post apocalyptic world people start to yearn for those creature comforts of old and inevitably things like toilet paper become precious commodities. It’s the currency of the future…
From lassoing zombies to rigging traps around your hideout we cannot stress this point enough. You will need rope and lots of it. Besides, how will you tie the traitors up in the barn when they try to run away with all of the astronaut food?
Unlike your humans companions, Fido won’t try to steal any food, in fact he’ll probably warn you when it comes time to tie someone else up. Moreover, dogs make excellent zombie detection systems but use caution – zombified dogs are like evil superheroes – beatable, but just barely.
While all the other survivors go around boasting about how bright their maglites are, allow us to make a suggestion. Find yourself some high quality night vision goggles so you can watch them get mauled from the bushes.
You can never ever have enough of these…ever. In fact, unless you’re driving or performing CPR you should always be dual wielding.
Like Redbull on steroids, its pure adrenaline so only use this when you really have to because too much will stop your heart. You should always have at least an epi-pen though because a horde of zombies snacking on your brain isn’t much better.
Most likely, the same person who shows up driving the school bus will inevitably be proudly sporting one of these, giving you yet another reason to ignore them. Chainsaws are loud, messy, and they require gasoline. In a zombie apocalypse, this is a death sentence. Don’t say we didnÕt warn you.
These should be pretty self explanatory but generally speaking you want to see the zombies before they see you.
See the guy wearing 60 pounds of riot gear? Yeah, don’t be that guy. It will only slow you down and extend your death when the zombies inevitably catch up. It would be a good idea, however, to find yourself a good helmet considering that your brains are now in high demand. Besides, helmets can always double as bowls.
See those zombies all around you? Do you how they got there? They got there because naive people decided to pack matches instead of flint. Matches break, they get wet, and they never work when you need them. If you want to get through this though, you will need fire so flint is non negotiable.
Your gun will break, your monster truck will fall apart, the traitors you tied up in the barn will scream obnoxiously and on and on and on. It sounds awful but there is an easy fix to all of these problems – duct tape. Trust us, it will make your life easier.
There is probably nothing in your arsenal more useful than a good shovel. Not only does it make for an effective weapon but it can also double as a hammer, which is critical considering that one day you will eventually have to rebuild civilization. Moreover, you will probably be doing a lot of grave digging which is no fun with your bare hands.
A zombie apocalypse is like a relationship…communication is important. In fact, without it you will most likely die a brutal and lonely death when your hideout is overrun by zombies. If you want to survive this you will need to find some amigos, which brings us to…
When you do finally meet the other survivors, choose your companions wisely. While everyone else is going for the chainsaw toting bus driver, you are looking for someone that will actually increase your chances of survival. Which leads right into our last item…
Heart of Steel
Sooner or later those slow friends you picked up along the way are going make themselves useful. It’s also at exactly this moment that those of you cried at the end of The Notebook are going to literally lose your minds. Surviving a zombie apocalypse requires you to be hardcore and that means you don’t have time to feel sorry for people when they become zombies. Good luck.
More information on what a typical zombie apocalypse survivor might look like can be found here.